His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
