My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
