Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
