dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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