my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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