Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
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