And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
