She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Shame - the story of my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize