im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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