Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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