I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
