Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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