I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
