How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
