I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
