My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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