I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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