If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
