Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
