You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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