i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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