On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My vagina just clenched in fear
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
