You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
