What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
