i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
