Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
