I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
