dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
