no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
