Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
