I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
