I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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