My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
