I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
