How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
