You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
