I CAN MOONWALK!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
