Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
