Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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