the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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