yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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