I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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