I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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