YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
