The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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