You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
