just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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