I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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