Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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