My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize