Soap is not a condiment
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize