If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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