Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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