Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
