i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
