Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
