one two three fourrrrnication!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
