the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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