I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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