I want to have your abortion
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
