This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
