low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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